Why Do Dreams Remind Us Of The Past?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been having crazy dreams lately and most of them involving someone from my past, a young man I liked during my high school years that never liked me back and treated me like crap. He actually liked my friend while we were still in high school and that was the only reason he hung around me. God, I sound like such a cliché, but this is something that truly happened to me. I really liked him. To this day, I don’t know why I did.

Anyways…

In my dreams, I keep going to Costco and run into him and his friends. It’s intimidating to see him again, but I somehow manage to linger around when his friends leave. I honestly don’t know why I keep dreaming about Costco, but that’s where my dreams are set. Costco suddenly becomes part of his home where I start helping him cook. We share a couple laughs and then his girlfriend gets there as I’m washing dishes. I feel a pang of sadness in my gut and try to leave as quickly as possible and I do. I leave and then I wake up.

I don’t know what it means, but it’s been almost eight years since I’ve seen him. It’s annoying that he still lingers in my subconscious. To be reminded of someone who never gave two shits about me is painful because I don’t want his memory to linger.

I’ll try to get better sleep so I don’t remember the craziness of my dreams.

Maybe that’ll help.

Maybe.

How To Retrain Your Brain

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been reading Mel Robbins’s book The Five Second Rule and it’s truly helped me take the first steps to retrain my brain. The way she describes how she was inspired to wake up every morning after seeing a rocket launch makes a lot of sense. A lot of the things we do become habits and it doesn’t matter whether they’re good or bad, they’re habits that are hard to break once they’ve become a part of our daily life.

By counting 5-4-3-2-1, you’re not letting your mind think and changing the course of your decisions and eventually your life. Over the years, I’ve let myself become a person who’s guarded and afraid of the world. I’m trying to take a chance on every opportunity that may seem impossible at first, but that may benefit me in the long run. I’m not going to think about how I feel about doing something, I’m just going to do it. It’s going to be hard, but Mel Robbins’s book is truly inspiring. It’s not a self-help book with the answers to every question known to man. It’s a book you should read if you’re tired of screwing yourself over with excuses and mental blocks that stop you from living your life.

I plan to be more positive even though the world looks grim. I will close my eyes, countdown 5-4-3-2-1 and move towards a better direction for myself and for my family.

I hope you do the same and reach your potential in whatever endeavor you find yourself in right now.

Thank you for reading!

How To Travel Through The Desert Of Your Heart

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever had to make a trip across state lines in the middle of the summer? It’s certainly is tiring when you’re driving through nothing but desert in 100+ weather.

I had to make a quick trip to Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend and I found myself spending time with my dad and his wife. Now, I should probably mention that I’m afraid of my dad, but not in the traditional sense. I’m mostly afraid of disappointing him because he had such high expectations when I started college. He came to this country hoping to find the American dream but still hasn’t been able to fulfill that wish. He was probably expecting me to be the answer to all his monetary problems in some way. Alas, that is not the case.

So there I am, seeing my dad after two months of concealing the fact that I didn’t have a job. Thankfully, I recently accepted an offer so at least I had some good news to report. The funny thing about talking to family members is that I tend to steer the conversation to the stuff that is happening in my friends’ lives.

Why?

Mainly because I have nothing to report about my own life. I’ve been trying to deal with a growing pile of debt that hasn’t given me the opportunity to go out, socialize, and take an active role in networking for some of my online business pursuits. I don’t have a boyfriend/husband, so there are no grandkids on the way. I’m super behind on the typical events that are supposed to take place in your twenties and because of that I feel that in some ways I’m a failure. It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things that I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

Will I ever be enough?

I don’t know, but I hope my heart can take it.

Are You Tired Yet?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I recently got back home from vacation. I spent a month and a week away and now that I’m back, the reason I left and needed to leave has become so evident. I’m tired of living with my family. They’re exhausting in so many ways.

It’s not that I don’t care about them. That’s not what I mean. I care for them, but they bring me down so bad. I look at them and I wonder how I can help them, but I can’t fix the mistakes that they’ve made. I can’t help my mom be healthier because she’s never cared for her health. I can’t help my father and mother have more money because I wasn’t prepared for life after college and I know that maybe that’s my fault, but I had no guidance. I could’ve researched, I know, but how was I supposed to know this stuff when my parents had zero involvement in my schooling. They provided the necessities at home, like food and a roof over my head, but other than that they haven’t been able to help me. They didn’t go with me on tours around campus or take an active role in my university’s community. They had to work and I understand that.

I don’t blame my family for the predicament I am in because I dug this hole myself. I have no job at the moment because I quit my previous one. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was killing me mentally and physically. I have less than $90 in my bank account, all kinds of credit card debt, school loans, a car loan, and car insurance. All the fun things in life.

Maybe this is my chance to finally stop being a damn coward and pursue what I want, but it’s so hard. I can’t move past the barriers I’ve built. I can’t say goodbye to my past.

I hate myself for not being stronger, smarter, and more positive. It’s just that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for everyone else without thinking about myself. I’m tired. I really, really am tired.

 

How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid.

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.