How To Remember The Good And Forget The Bad?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I should apologize for my last post. I was extremely aggravated with my home situation, but I will not delete it because that would be dishonest. I’m only human and I can’t hide the way I feel sometimes.

I’ve been better than that last time I was on here. The problems aren’t gone, but at least I’m still alive and physically able to change things. As I’ve said before, I have a lot of money problems.

My family is killing me slowly, but I can’t change the people in my life only my reaction to them. I’ve been trying to apply Mel Robbin’s 5-4-3-2-1 method, but sometimes I just think, “What now?”

So how do you remember the good and forget the bad?

You can’t forget the bad because it helps balance out the good. You have to embrace the bad to appreciate the good. Just like my last post, I have to embrace that those dark feelings exist within me. At the same time, I have to understand that the days that are good may be few and spread far apart, but they do come and I’ve had several over my lifetime.

Try not to get hung up on the bad vs good dichotomy of life. I’ll try to do the same and just live. Maybe coasting in the middle of these two extremes, but still living.

Thanks for reading!

How Do You Bounce Back After A Shitty Day?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I hate when my mother drinks. She’s not a drunk per se, but every time she drinks it drives me fucking insane. I’m sorry if I cuss more than normal, but I can’t take it anymore. My whole life I’ve tried to help my parents, my mom especially, but I can’t help someone who’s so far gone. It’s a fucking mess. It’s all a fucking mess.

My mom’s been through a lot of shit and I should be understanding, but how much shit do I have to shovel before I get through to her? How many times do I have to plead with her that drinking isn’t going to chase the fucking demons away?

I’m trying to make sense of my life, but I can’t take any more of her shit piled on top of my shit. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Who do I turn to? Who the fuck is supposed to help me in my time of need? God won’t hear my prayers because he lets her continue to fuck up her own self by letting her give in to her vices. A psychologist won’t do shit because it’s all talk and cost a shit ton of money.

The only thing I want to do these days is end my life, but I can’t. I fucking can’t because of my siblings. Who are they going to lean on? I’m so fucking tired.

I’m sorry for ranting like a lunatic, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to ask for help.

If I was brought into this life for this shit, then fuck it all to hell.

Fuck it all.

 

 

How To Take Your Broken Heart And Make It Into Art

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been trying to be more positive in my life and forget all the issues I have so that I can move forward and do better. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job, but I’m trying. There was a time in my youth where I used to cut myself. Nowadays, I just can’t bring myself to do it because it doesn’t relieve my stress anymore. Even if I bleed and get that rush of dopamine that I so desperately need to stay afloat, it won’t make my problems go away. I’ve had to learn the hard way that problems never leave so you have to embrace them.

People come and go every day and it makes me wonder what I will leave behind when I die. What will be my legacy or my one bit of history that will define future generations? It’s moments like these that remind me of Carrie Fisher’s quote, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”

My heart has been broken since I was 9 years old when I witnessed things no child should have to see and have had to deal with the consequences of my parent’s failed marriage for the last 17 years of my life. How can you piece together your soul when it’s being ripped apart in so many directions without stopping?

I swear to you that I’m trying to be positive, but sometimes I just wonder how easy life would be if I had successfully killed myself when I was 12. My brother would’ve been an only child, maybe my parents would’ve recapacitated and solved their problems. My sister wouldn’t have been born and wouldn’t have to suffer the heartbreak of having two parents who can’t even be in the same room.

A lot of things would be different, but I can’t change the past. I can only change the way I perceive it and use it to fuel my desire to do better in the future.

We’ll see.

Chester Bennington Saved My Life Through Music

Hi. Cellophane here.

A couple of days ago, I woke up to the news that the lead singer of one of my favorite bands was dead. His name was Chester Bennington and he saved my life through music. Through the band Linkin Park, I was able to survive my teenage years as my home became a battleground between my constantly bickering parents.

Chester’s voice was my sanctuary. Every single song he sang was a way to escape my life. I could put on my headphones and numb myself to sleep with his music. His words reflected a lot of the feelings I had growing up in a dysfunctional family where drugs, alcohol, and infidelity ran rampant.

I have no words to describe how I feel except I’m sorry. I’m sorry he chose to end it because it means this life was unable to give him a sense of peace. I thank him for all of his music and the passion he gave to his fans in every single word he sang. I will never forget the immense help he provided me when I was younger and hope he’s in a better place.

RIP Chester Bennington. May your soul rest among the angels somewhere over the rainbow.

Thank you for everything.

Why Do Dreams Remind Us Of The Past?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been having crazy dreams lately and most of them involving someone from my past, a young man I liked during my high school years that never liked me back and treated me like crap. He actually liked my friend while we were still in high school and that was the only reason he hung around me. God, I sound like such a cliché, but this is something that truly happened to me. I really liked him. To this day, I don’t know why I did.

Anyways…

In my dreams, I keep going to Costco and run into him and his friends. It’s intimidating to see him again, but I somehow manage to linger around when his friends leave. I honestly don’t know why I keep dreaming about Costco, but that’s where my dreams are set. Costco suddenly becomes part of his home where I start helping him cook. We share a couple laughs and then his girlfriend gets there as I’m washing dishes. I feel a pang of sadness in my gut and try to leave as quickly as possible and I do. I leave and then I wake up.

I don’t know what it means, but it’s been almost eight years since I’ve seen him. It’s annoying that he still lingers in my subconscious. To be reminded of someone who never gave two shits about me is painful because I don’t want his memory to linger.

I’ll try to get better sleep so I don’t remember the craziness of my dreams.

Maybe that’ll help.

Maybe.

How To Retrain Your Brain

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been reading Mel Robbins’s book The Five Second Rule and it’s truly helped me take the first steps to retrain my brain. The way she describes how she was inspired to wake up every morning after seeing a rocket launch makes a lot of sense. A lot of the things we do become habits and it doesn’t matter whether they’re good or bad, they’re habits that are hard to break once they’ve become a part of our daily life.

By counting 5-4-3-2-1, you’re not letting your mind think and changing the course of your decisions and eventually your life. Over the years, I’ve let myself become a person who’s guarded and afraid of the world. I’m trying to take a chance on every opportunity that may seem impossible at first, but that may benefit me in the long run. I’m not going to think about how I feel about doing something, I’m just going to do it. It’s going to be hard, but Mel Robbins’s book is truly inspiring. It’s not a self-help book with the answers to every question known to man. It’s a book you should read if you’re tired of screwing yourself over with excuses and mental blocks that stop you from living your life.

I plan to be more positive even though the world looks grim. I will close my eyes, countdown 5-4-3-2-1 and move towards a better direction for myself and for my family.

I hope you do the same and reach your potential in whatever endeavor you find yourself in right now.

Thank you for reading!

How To Travel Through The Desert Of Your Heart

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever had to make a trip across state lines in the middle of the summer? It’s certainly is tiring when you’re driving through nothing but desert in 100+ weather.

I had to make a quick trip to Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend and I found myself spending time with my dad and his wife. Now, I should probably mention that I’m afraid of my dad, but not in the traditional sense. I’m mostly afraid of disappointing him because he had such high expectations when I started college. He came to this country hoping to find the American dream but still hasn’t been able to fulfill that wish. He was probably expecting me to be the answer to all his monetary problems in some way. Alas, that is not the case.

So there I am, seeing my dad after two months of concealing the fact that I didn’t have a job. Thankfully, I recently accepted an offer so at least I had some good news to report. The funny thing about talking to family members is that I tend to steer the conversation to the stuff that is happening in my friends’ lives.

Why?

Mainly because I have nothing to report about my own life. I’ve been trying to deal with a growing pile of debt that hasn’t given me the opportunity to go out, socialize, and take an active role in networking for some of my online business pursuits. I don’t have a boyfriend/husband, so there are no grandkids on the way. I’m super behind on the typical events that are supposed to take place in your twenties and because of that I feel that in some ways I’m a failure. It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things that I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

Will I ever be enough?

I don’t know, but I hope my heart can take it.

Are You Tired Yet?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I recently got back home from vacation. I spent a month and a week away and now that I’m back, the reason I left and needed to leave has become so evident. I’m tired of living with my family. They’re exhausting in so many ways.

It’s not that I don’t care about them. That’s not what I mean. I care for them, but they bring me down so bad. I look at them and I wonder how I can help them, but I can’t fix the mistakes that they’ve made. I can’t help my mom be healthier because she’s never cared for her health. I can’t help my father and mother have more money because I wasn’t prepared for life after college and I know that maybe that’s my fault, but I had no guidance. I could’ve researched, I know, but how was I supposed to know this stuff when my parents had zero involvement in my schooling. They provided the necessities at home, like food and a roof over my head, but other than that they haven’t been able to help me. They didn’t go with me on tours around campus or take an active role in my university’s community. They had to work and I understand that.

I don’t blame my family for the predicament I am in because I dug this hole myself. I have no job at the moment because I quit my previous one. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was killing me mentally and physically. I have less than $90 in my bank account, all kinds of credit card debt, school loans, a car loan, and car insurance. All the fun things in life.

Maybe this is my chance to finally stop being a damn coward and pursue what I want, but it’s so hard. I can’t move past the barriers I’ve built. I can’t say goodbye to my past.

I hate myself for not being stronger, smarter, and more positive. It’s just that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for everyone else without thinking about myself. I’m tired. I really, really am tired.

 

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