How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid. All those memories have been swept away and

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to life for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this. I appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

Size

Hi. Cellophane here. 

I’m at a shopping mall in South Korea and I’ve never felt so sad and empty.

Sad because I let myself get to the point where I get stares for being so big. Empty because I didn’t notice until now.

I know every country has a different norm, but I feel like people are judging me because I’m so big. They don’t know my life and what I’ve gone through. They don’t understand the reasons that I got this way. 

Maybe it’s my fault. For not caring enough about myself to give a damn about how big I’ve gotten. 

I know this is a first world problem and some people don’t have enough food to eat and one of the reasons I’m so fat is because I have consumed a lot of food without doing enough exercise. Still, pain is universal and I feel it every day I’m in this country. 

As much as I love this place, it’s taught me that I have not led a good life to be a healthy human being. I have not loved myself enough to care about my health. 

I have not done enough. 

Worthless

Hi. Cellophane here.

Do you ever wake up feeling a sense of worthlessness? We’re taught at a young age to become good people and follow the rules set forth by our parents or elders. We’re tricked into believing that life is worth it, that we’re worth it.

Then you wake up one morning and you don’t want to go to work because the thought of spending ten hours doing something you hate is unbearable. That’s when you realize you’re stuck. You’re worthless, a lonely leaf traveling with the wind. Fragile and cracking as the sun’s rays dry you out.

You realize life isn’t worth it and you reach for the magic elixir that will end it all.

You bring the cup to your lips, but a loved one walks into your room and you can’t do it.

Maybe life is worthless to you every day of your life, but to that smiling face, it’s something completely new.

 

Inadequate

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt inadequate? Like everything you’ve done is not good enough. I’ve felt that way for quite some time now.

The more I meet new people, the more inadequate I feel. Everyone I know is getting married, having kids, excelling in their careers, and I’m stuck.

I don’t know how to get myself out of the quicksand I’m in and the harder I try, the deeper I sink.

Does anybody have any rope? Or is this the universe telling me that there’s nothing I can do? Perhaps I’m not the heroine of the story, but the sad, dejected cook hiding in the kitchen.

Maybe.