How To Remember The Good And Forget The Bad?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I should apologize for my last post. I was extremely aggravated with my home situation, but I will not delete it because that would be dishonest. I’m only human and I can’t hide the way I feel sometimes.

I’ve been better than that last time I was on here. The problems aren’t gone, but at least I’m still alive and physically able to change things. As I’ve said before, I have a lot of money problems.

My family is killing me slowly, but I can’t change the people in my life only my reaction to them. I’ve been trying to apply Mel Robbin’s 5-4-3-2-1 method, but sometimes I just think, “What now?”

So how do you remember the good and forget the bad?

You can’t forget the bad because it helps balance out the good. You have to embrace the bad to appreciate the good. Just like my last post, I have to embrace that those dark feelings exist within me. At the same time, I have to understand that the days that are good may be few and spread far apart, but they do come and I’ve had several over my lifetime.

Try not to get hung up on the bad vs good dichotomy of life. I’ll try to do the same and just live. Maybe coasting in the middle of these two extremes, but still living.

Thanks for reading!

How To Take Your Broken Heart And Make It Into Art

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been trying to be more positive in my life and forget all the issues I have so that I can move forward and do better. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job, but I’m trying. There was a time in my youth where I used to cut myself. Nowadays, I just can’t bring myself to do it because it doesn’t relieve my stress anymore. Even if I bleed and get that rush of dopamine that I so desperately need to stay afloat, it won’t make my problems go away. I’ve had to learn the hard way that problems never leave so you have to embrace them.

People come and go every day and it makes me wonder what I will leave behind when I die. What will be my legacy or my one bit of history that will define future generations? It’s moments like these that remind me of Carrie Fisher’s quote, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”

My heart has been broken since I was 9 years old when I witnessed things no child should have to see and have had to deal with the consequences of my parent’s failed marriage for the last 17 years of my life. How can you piece together your soul when it’s being ripped apart in so many directions without stopping?

I swear to you that I’m trying to be positive, but sometimes I just wonder how easy life would be if I had successfully killed myself when I was 12. My brother would’ve been an only child, maybe my parents would’ve recapacitated and solved their problems. My sister wouldn’t have been born and wouldn’t have to suffer the heartbreak of having two parents who can’t even be in the same room.

A lot of things would be different, but I can’t change the past. I can only change the way I perceive it and use it to fuel my desire to do better in the future.

We’ll see.

Why Do Dreams Remind Us Of The Past?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been having crazy dreams lately and most of them involving someone from my past, a young man I liked during my high school years that never liked me back and treated me like crap. He actually liked my friend while we were still in high school and that was the only reason he hung around me. God, I sound like such a cliché, but this is something that truly happened to me. I really liked him. To this day, I don’t know why I did.

Anyways…

In my dreams, I keep going to Costco and run into him and his friends. It’s intimidating to see him again, but I somehow manage to linger around when his friends leave. I honestly don’t know why I keep dreaming about Costco, but that’s where my dreams are set. Costco suddenly becomes part of his home where I start helping him cook. We share a couple laughs and then his girlfriend gets there as I’m washing dishes. I feel a pang of sadness in my gut and try to leave as quickly as possible and I do. I leave and then I wake up.

I don’t know what it means, but it’s been almost eight years since I’ve seen him. It’s annoying that he still lingers in my subconscious. To be reminded of someone who never gave two shits about me is painful because I don’t want his memory to linger.

I’ll try to get better sleep so I don’t remember the craziness of my dreams.

Maybe that’ll help.

Maybe.

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