The Biggest Reason We Can’t Move On Is Rooted In Our Childhood

Hi. Cellophane here.

We may not realize it, but every moment we live through, from being fetuses in the womb until the moment we grow old enough to embark on our own adventure of life, has an effect on the person we become as adults.

I know that everybody has different beliefs when it comes to regression therapy, but I tried it once with a YouTube video I once saw featuring Brian Weiss, an American psychiatrist who uses hypnotherapy to help patients delve into their past lives. Before I watched the video, I thought it might be impossible to actually experience anything. As I closed my eyes, followed Weiss’s instructions, and drifted off to several different stages of my past life, including a moment of myself in the womb, I came to realize that my time in the womb was turbulent.

What I remember the most about my time under hypnosis was the dread and isolation I felt while he made us go back to the womb. As I came back from that moment, tears fell from my eyes involuntarily. I had no control. I just felt so much sadness and the sense of being suffocated, like I wasn’t wanted.  It drove me to ask my mom if there were problems with my dad before I was born or if there was ever talk of me perhaps being aborted. She looked at me and didn’t answer, but deep down in my gut, I knew there was some truth to my question.

My whole life is not decided by that single experience, but it explains as I try to remember my childhood. A lot of bad things happened to me as a kid that I’ve created a wall to block out my memories to the point that I don’t remember years at a time. I remember some things because I’ve been told stories, but I only seem to remember the bad stuff. It’s weird. There are also moments where I feel as if I might have been molested or sexually abused in my youth because I don’t like people touching me. It bothers me a lot, but I truly don’t know.

After all of my experiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that it is quite difficult to move on when our childhoods are riddled with events that were out of our control because of the decisions our parents, guardians, or relatives made. It’s something we have to move forward with so we can embrace the past.

I may not have been wanted, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.  I might as well reduce my agony and try to overcome the demons of my past so I can enjoy the future.

Being positive is sure to bring good things. As much as my life brings me down, at least I’m still physically and mentally capable to change the course my life has taken.

Let me know your experience with past life regression and what your childhood was like in the comments or send me an email if you’d like. 

How To Remember The Good And Forget The Bad?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I should apologize for my last post. I was extremely aggravated with my home situation, but I will not delete it because that would be dishonest. I’m only human and I can’t hide the way I feel sometimes.

I’ve been better than that last time I was on here. The problems aren’t gone, but at least I’m still alive and physically able to change things. As I’ve said before, I have a lot of money problems.

My family is killing me slowly, but I can’t change the people in my life only my reaction to them. I’ve been trying to apply Mel Robbin’s 5-4-3-2-1 method, but sometimes I just think, “What now?”

So how do you remember the good and forget the bad?

You can’t forget the bad because it helps balance out the good. You have to embrace the bad to appreciate the good. Just like my last post, I have to embrace that those dark feelings exist within me. At the same time, I have to understand that the days that are good may be few and spread far apart, but they do come and I’ve had several over my lifetime.

Try not to get hung up on the bad vs good dichotomy of life. I’ll try to do the same and just live. Maybe coasting in the middle of these two extremes, but still living.

Thanks for reading!

How To Take Your Broken Heart And Make It Into Art

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been trying to be more positive in my life and forget all the issues I have so that I can move forward and do better. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job, but I’m trying. There was a time in my youth where I used to cut myself. Nowadays, I just can’t bring myself to do it because it doesn’t relieve my stress anymore. Even if I bleed and get that rush of dopamine that I so desperately need to stay afloat, it won’t make my problems go away. I’ve had to learn the hard way that problems never leave so you have to embrace them.

People come and go every day and it makes me wonder what I will leave behind when I die. What will be my legacy or my one bit of history that will define future generations? It’s moments like these that remind me of Carrie Fisher’s quote, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”

My heart has been broken since I was 9 years old when I witnessed things no child should have to see and have had to deal with the consequences of my parent’s failed marriage for the last 17 years of my life. How can you piece together your soul when it’s being ripped apart in so many directions without stopping?

I swear to you that I’m trying to be positive, but sometimes I just wonder how easy life would be if I had successfully killed myself when I was 12. My brother would’ve been an only child, maybe my parents would’ve recapacitated and solved their problems. My sister wouldn’t have been born and wouldn’t have to suffer the heartbreak of having two parents who can’t even be in the same room.

A lot of things would be different, but I can’t change the past. I can only change the way I perceive it and use it to fuel my desire to do better in the future.

We’ll see.

How To Travel Through The Desert Of Your Heart

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever had to make a trip across state lines in the middle of the summer? It’s certainly is tiring when you’re driving through nothing but desert in 100+ weather.

I had to make a quick trip to Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend and I found myself spending time with my dad and his wife. Now, I should probably mention that I’m afraid of my dad, but not in the traditional sense. I’m mostly afraid of disappointing him because he had such high expectations when I started college. He came to this country hoping to find the American dream but still hasn’t been able to fulfill that wish. He was probably expecting me to be the answer to all his monetary problems in some way. Alas, that is not the case.

So there I am, seeing my dad after two months of concealing the fact that I didn’t have a job. Thankfully, I recently accepted an offer so at least I had some good news to report. The funny thing about talking to family members is that I tend to steer the conversation to the stuff that is happening in my friends’ lives.

Why?

Mainly because I have nothing to report about my own life. I’ve been trying to deal with a growing pile of debt that hasn’t given me the opportunity to go out, socialize, and take an active role in networking for some of my online business pursuits. I don’t have a boyfriend/husband, so there are no grandkids on the way. I’m super behind on the typical events that are supposed to take place in your twenties and because of that I feel that in some ways I’m a failure. It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things that I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

Will I ever be enough?

I don’t know, but I hope my heart can take it.

Are You Tired Yet?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I recently got back home from vacation. I spent a month and a week away and now that I’m back, the reason I left and needed to leave has become so evident. I’m tired of living with my family. They’re exhausting in so many ways.

It’s not that I don’t care about them. That’s not what I mean. I care for them, but they bring me down so bad. I look at them and I wonder how I can help them, but I can’t fix the mistakes that they’ve made. I can’t help my mom be healthier because she’s never cared for her health. I can’t help my father and mother have more money because I wasn’t prepared for life after college and I know that maybe that’s my fault, but I had no guidance. I could’ve researched, I know, but how was I supposed to know this stuff when my parents had zero involvement in my schooling. They provided the necessities at home, like food and a roof over my head, but other than that they haven’t been able to help me. They didn’t go with me on tours around campus or take an active role in my university’s community. They had to work and I understand that.

I don’t blame my family for the predicament I am in because I dug this hole myself. I have no job at the moment because I quit my previous one. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was killing me mentally and physically. I have less than $90 in my bank account, all kinds of credit card debt, school loans, a car loan, and car insurance. All the fun things in life.

Maybe this is my chance to finally stop being a damn coward and pursue what I want, but it’s so hard. I can’t move past the barriers I’ve built. I can’t say goodbye to my past.

I hate myself for not being stronger, smarter, and more positive. It’s just that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for everyone else without thinking about myself. I’m tired. I really, really am tired.

 

How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid.

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to live for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this. I appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

Size

Hi. Cellophane here. 

I’m at a shopping mall in South Korea and I’ve never felt so sad and empty.

Sad because I let myself get to the point where I get stares for being so big. Empty because I didn’t notice until now.

I know every country has a different norm, but I feel like people are judging me because I’m so big. They don’t know my life and what I’ve gone through. They don’t understand the reasons that I got this way. 

Maybe it’s my fault. For not caring enough about myself to give a damn about how big I’ve gotten. 

I know this is a first world problem and some people don’t have enough food to eat and one of the reasons I’m so fat is because I have consumed a lot of food without doing enough exercise. Still, pain is universal and I feel it every day I’m in this country. 

As much as I love this place, it’s taught me that I have not led a good life to be a healthy human being. I have not loved myself enough to care about my health. 

I have not done enough. 

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