Are You Tired Yet?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I recently got back home from vacation. I spent a month and a week away and now that I’m back, the reason I left and needed to leave has become so evident. I’m tired of living with my family. They’re exhausting in so many ways.

It’s not that I don’t care about them. That’s not what I mean. I care for them, but they bring me down so bad. I look at them and I wonder how I can help them, but I can’t fix the mistakes that they’ve made. I can’t help my mom be healthier because she’s never cared for her health. I can’t help my father and mother have more money because I wasn’t prepared for life after college and I know that maybe that’s my fault, but I had no guidance. I could’ve researched, I know, but how was I supposed to know this stuff when my parents had zero involvement in my schooling. They provided the necessities at home, like food and a roof over my head, but other than that they haven’t been able to help me. They didn’t go with me on tours around campus or take an active role in my university’s community. They had to work and I understand that.

I don’t blame my family for the predicament I am in because I dug this hole myself. I have no job at the moment because I quit my previous one. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was killing me mentally and physically. I have less than $90 in my bank account, all kinds of credit card debt, school loans, a car loan, and car insurance. All the fun things in life.

Maybe this is my chance to finally stop being a damn coward and pursue what I want, but it’s so hard. I can’t move past the barriers I’ve built. I can’t say goodbye to my past.

I hate myself for not being stronger, smarter, and more positive. It’s just that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for everyone else without thinking about myself. I’m tired. I really, really am tired.

 

How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid. All those memories have been swept away and

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to life for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this. I appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

Fluctuations In Time

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How much time I have left? How much time I’ve wasted? How much I can do with the time I’ve been given?

Time is a manmade concept. It helps us organize our days. With the help of the moon and the sun, it helps regulate our sleep cycles. It even helps us define the numerous moments we spend here on Earth.

We are limited by time but at the same time, we tell ourselves that we have all the time in the world to do the things we love. To travel, to get married, to have children, or to move on with our lives.

I wish I could go back to the day I was born and see my life from that point on.

I’d like to see how my parents were, how they dealt with all their problems, and how they dealt with me.

I wish I could turn back time and find the answers for the way I am so I can begin to understand how to move on from here.

 

You’re The One Who…

Hi. Cellophane here.

Has anyone ever told you, “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me?”

I have heard it from friends, but I always feel like I’m not all that great and don’t deserve their praise.

They tell me I make them laugh and make better decisions.

You’re the one who…

  • helped me take a chance on myself
  • convinced me to go to college
  • gave me rides back home
  • will be my maid of honor
  • my child’s godmother

Can I truly have such an impact on other people when I  think so little of myself?

Sometimes You Need A Donut

Hi. Cellophane here.

A donut is a delicious treat. It’s fattening and all sorts of bad news if you’ve got diabetes or a gluten allergy. Thankfully, you can also get donuts made out coconut flour and without sugar.

Anyways…

To me, a donut equals happiness. No matter what my mood, a donut can cure me of any ill thoughts.

I’m sitting at a Krispy Kreme this morning. Sipping coffee and eating a donut by myself. Lounge music played on the speakers, while I watched people walk by me outside.

Most people here travel in pairs or packs. It’s rare to see someone walking by themselves.

I don’t know what that makes me. A loner?

Regardless, the donut and my caramel macchiato were delicious.