How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid.

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to live for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this. I appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

You’re The One Who…

Hi. Cellophane here.

Has anyone ever told you, “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me?”

I have heard it from friends, but I always feel like I’m not all that great and don’t deserve their praise.

They tell me I make them laugh and make better decisions.

You’re the one who…

  • helped me take a chance on myself
  • convinced me to go to college
  • gave me rides back home
  • will be my maid of honor
  • my child’s godmother

Can I truly have such an impact on other people when I  think so little of myself?

How To Be Alone

Hi. Cellophane here.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed that some people can’t bear to be alone. They fill their days with as many social events and work projects to avoid being by themselves. It’s like they can’t stand the silence and their own thoughts. They have to be entertained and stimulated at all times.

I love being alone. Then again, I’m an introvert. I enjoy my alone time because it gives me time to think, reflect, and contemplate my life. I’m only 26 years old, but sometimes I feel twice that age.

It’s this way of thinking that has led me to believe that you have to know how to be alone in order to learn to love yourself.

I don’t completely feel okay in my own skin yet. I don’t know if I ever will.

Maybe one day I’ll finally be at peace with myself.

Spending time by myself seems like a good way to start.

What about you?

 

 

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