Hi. Cellophane here.
I’ve been trying to be more positive in my life and forget all the issues I have so that I can move forward and do better. I don’t know if I’m doing a good job, but I’m trying. There was a time in my youth where I used to cut myself. Nowadays, I just can’t bring myself to do it because it doesn’t relieve my stress anymore. Even if I bleed and get that rush of dopamine that I so desperately need to stay afloat, it won’t make my problems go away. I’ve had to learn the hard way that problems never leave so you have to embrace them.
People come and go every day and it makes me wonder what I will leave behind when I die. What will be my legacy or my one bit of history that will define future generations? It’s moments like these that remind me of Carrie Fisher’s quote, “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”
My heart has been broken since I was 9 years old when I witnessed things no child should have to see and have had to deal with the consequences of my parent’s failed marriage for the last 17 years of my life. How can you piece together your soul when it’s being ripped apart in so many directions without stopping?
I swear to you that I’m trying to be positive, but sometimes I just wonder how easy life would be if I had successfully killed myself when I was 12. My brother would’ve been an only child, maybe my parents would’ve recapacitated and solved their problems. My sister wouldn’t have been born and wouldn’t have to suffer the heartbreak of having two parents who can’t even be in the same room.
A lot of things would be different, but I can’t change the past. I can only change the way I perceive it and use it to fuel my desire to do better in the future.