How To Travel Through The Desert Of Your Heart

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever had to make a trip across state lines in the middle of the summer? It’s certainly is tiring when you’re driving through nothing but desert in 100+ weather.

I had to make a quick trip to Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend and I found myself spending time with my dad and his wife. Now, I should probably mention that I’m afraid of my dad, but not in the traditional sense. I’m mostly afraid of disappointing him because he had such high expectations when I started college. He came to this country hoping to find the American dream but still hasn’t been able to fulfill that wish. He was probably expecting me to be the answer to all his monetary problems in some way. Alas, that is not the case.

So there I am, seeing my dad after two months of concealing the fact that I didn’t have a job. Thankfully, I recently accepted an offer so at least I had some good news to report. The funny thing about talking to family members is that I tend to steer the conversation to the stuff that is happening in my friends’ lives.

Why?

Mainly because I have nothing to report about my own life. I’ve been trying to deal with a growing pile of debt that hasn’t given me the opportunity to go out, socialize, and take an active role in networking for some of my online business pursuits. I don’t have a boyfriend/husband, so there are no grandkids on the way. I’m super behind on the typical events that are supposed to take place in your twenties and because of that I feel that in some ways I’m a failure. It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things that I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

Will I ever be enough?

I don’t know, but I hope my heart can take it.

How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid.

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to live for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this. I appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

Fluctuations In Time

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How much time I have left? How much time I’ve wasted? How much I can do with the time I’ve been given?

Time is a manmade concept. It helps us organize our days. With the help of the moon and the sun, it helps regulate our sleep cycles. It even helps us define the numerous moments we spend here on Earth.

We are limited by time but at the same time, we tell ourselves that we have all the time in the world to do the things we love. To travel, to get married, to have children, or to move on with our lives.

I wish I could go back to the day I was born and see my life from that point on.

I’d like to see how my parents were, how they dealt with all their problems, and how they dealt with me.

I wish I could turn back time and find the answers for the way I am so I can begin to understand how to move on from here.

 

You’re The One Who…

Hi. Cellophane here.

Has anyone ever told you, “You are the best thing that has ever happened to me?”

I have heard it from friends, but I always feel like I’m not all that great and don’t deserve their praise.

They tell me I make them laugh and make better decisions.

You’re the one who…

  • helped me take a chance on myself
  • convinced me to go to college
  • gave me rides back home
  • will be my maid of honor
  • my child’s godmother

Can I truly have such an impact on other people when I  think so little of myself?

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