Hi. Cellophane here.
I recently got back home from vacation. I spent a month and a week away and now that I’m back, the reason I left and needed to leave has become so evident. I’m tired of living with my family. They’re exhausting in so many ways.
It’s not that I don’t care about them. That’s not what I mean. I care for them, but they bring me down so bad. I look at them and I wonder how I can help them, but I can’t fix the mistakes that they’ve made. I can’t help my mom be healthier because she’s never cared for her health. I can’t help my father and mother have more money because I wasn’t prepared for life after college and I know that maybe that’s my fault, but I had no guidance. I could’ve researched, I know, but how was I supposed to know this stuff when my parents had zero involvement in my schooling. They provided the necessities at home, like food and a roof over my head, but other than that they haven’t been able to help me. They didn’t go with me on tours around campus or take an active role in my university’s community. They had to work and I understand that.
I don’t blame my family for the predicament I am in because I dug this hole myself. I have no job at the moment because I quit my previous one. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. It was killing me mentally and physically. I have less than $90 in my bank account, all kinds of credit card debt, school loans, a car loan, and car insurance. All the fun things in life.
Maybe this is my chance to finally stop being a damn coward and pursue what I want, but it’s so hard. I can’t move past the barriers I’ve built. I can’t say goodbye to my past.
I hate myself for not being stronger, smarter, and more positive. It’s just that I’m tired of sacrificing myself for everyone else without thinking about myself. I’m tired. I really, really am tired.