How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid. All those memories have been swept away and

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to life for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this.┬áI appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

Fluctuations In Time

Hi. Cellophane here.

I’ve been thinking a lot about time. How much time I have left? How much time I’ve wasted? How much I can do with the time I’ve been given?

Time is a manmade concept. It helps us organize our days. With the help of the moon and the sun, it helps regulate our sleep cycles. It even helps us define the numerous moments we spend here on Earth.

We are limited by time but at the same time, we tell ourselves that we have all the time in the world to do the things we love. To travel, to get married, to have children, or to move on with our lives.

I wish I could go back to the day I was born and see my life from that point on.

I’d like to see how my parents were, how they dealt with all their problems, and how they dealt with me.

I wish I could turn back time and find the answers for the way I am so I can begin to understand how to move on from here.