How To Remember The Good And Forget The Bad?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I should apologize for my last post. I was extremely aggravated with my home situation, but I will not delete it because that would be dishonest. I’m only human and I can’t hide the way I feel sometimes.

I’ve been better than that last time I was on here. The problems aren’t gone, but at least I’m still alive and physically able to change things. As I’ve said before, I have a lot of money problems.

My family is killing me slowly, but I can’t change the people in my life only my reaction to them. I’ve been trying to apply Mel Robbin’s 5-4-3-2-1 method, but sometimes I just think, “What now?”

So how do you remember the good and forget the bad?

You can’t forget the bad because it helps balance out the good. You have to embrace the bad to appreciate the good. Just like my last post, I have to embrace that those dark feelings exist within me. At the same time, I have to understand that the days that are good may be few and spread far apart, but they do come and I’ve had several over my lifetime.

Try not to get hung up on the bad vs good dichotomy of life. I’ll try to do the same and just live. Maybe coasting in the middle of these two extremes, but still living.

Thanks for reading!

How Do You Bounce Back After A Shitty Day?

Hi. Cellophane here.

I hate when my mother drinks. She’s not a drunk per se, but every time she drinks it drives me fucking insane. I’m sorry if I cuss more than normal, but I can’t take it anymore. My whole life I’ve tried to help my parents, my mom especially, but I can’t help someone who’s so far gone. It’s a fucking mess. It’s all a fucking mess.

My mom’s been through a lot of shit and I should be understanding, but how much shit do I have to shovel before I get through to her? How many times do I have to plead with her that drinking isn’t going to chase the fucking demons away?

I’m trying to make sense of my life, but I can’t take any more of her shit piled on top of my shit. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Who do I turn to? Who the fuck is supposed to help me in my time of need? God won’t hear my prayers because he lets her continue to fuck up her own self by letting her give in to her vices. A psychologist won’t do shit because it’s all talk and cost a shit ton of money.

The only thing I want to do these days is end my life, but I can’t. I fucking can’t because of my siblings. Who are they going to lean on? I’m so fucking tired.

I’m sorry for ranting like a lunatic, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who to ask for help.

If I was brought into this life for this shit, then fuck it all to hell.

Fuck it all.

 

 

Chester Bennington Saved My Life Through Music

Hi. Cellophane here.

A couple of days ago, I woke up to the news that the lead singer of one of my favorite bands was dead. His name was Chester Bennington and he saved my life through music. Through the band Linkin Park, I was able to survive my teenage years as my home became a battleground between my constantly bickering parents.

Chester’s voice was my sanctuary. Every single song he sang was a way to escape my life. I could put on my headphones and numb myself to sleep with his music. His words reflected a lot of the feelings I had growing up in a dysfunctional family where drugs, alcohol, and infidelity ran rampant.

I have no words to describe how I feel except I’m sorry. I’m sorry he chose to end it because it means this life was unable to give him a sense of peace. I thank him for all of his music and the passion he gave to his fans in every single word he sang. I will never forget the immense help he provided me when I was younger and hope he’s in a better place.

RIP Chester Bennington. May your soul rest among the angels somewhere over the rainbow.

Thank you for everything.

How To Travel Through The Desert Of Your Heart

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever had to make a trip across state lines in the middle of the summer? It’s certainly is tiring when you’re driving through nothing but desert in 100+ weather.

I had to make a quick trip to Las Vegas, Nevada last weekend and I found myself spending time with my dad and his wife. Now, I should probably mention that I’m afraid of my dad, but not in the traditional sense. I’m mostly afraid of disappointing him because he had such high expectations when I started college. He came to this country hoping to find the American dream but still hasn’t been able to fulfill that wish. He was probably expecting me to be the answer to all his monetary problems in some way. Alas, that is not the case.

So there I am, seeing my dad after two months of concealing the fact that I didn’t have a job. Thankfully, I recently accepted an offer so at least I had some good news to report. The funny thing about talking to family members is that I tend to steer the conversation to the stuff that is happening in my friends’ lives.

Why?

Mainly because I have nothing to report about my own life. I’ve been trying to deal with a growing pile of debt that hasn’t given me the opportunity to go out, socialize, and take an active role in networking for some of my online business pursuits. I don’t have a boyfriend/husband, so there are no grandkids on the way. I’m super behind on the typical events that are supposed to take place in your twenties and because of that I feel that in some ways I’m a failure. It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things that I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

It’s hard to communicate with my dad sometimes because he’s so critical of the things I do. I’m the oldest of three and the burden of leading an exemplary life is creeping up on me as I get older.

Will I ever be enough?

I don’t know, but I hope my heart can take it.

How To Disappear

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever felt the need to disappear from your life and everyone around you? Like you have to disappear to appreciate your own existence?

I recently made a trip to South Korea. I’ve been here for almost three weeks and still have two weeks left to go.

There are times I wonder what I’m doing here 6,000 miles from home in a country where people who look like me aren’t exactly welcome.

Out of pity, I remind myself that this trip was meant to be for my sanity. The funny thing is that ever since I got here I’ve been at war with my own thoughts more than ever.

I don’t have a job when I go back because I quit the one I had. I’m seriously in debt. I’ve got student loans, car payments, and credit cards that need to be paid off.

I wish I could tell you that it was all for myself, but it wasn’t.

The car was for my brother’s benefit. The school loans were to “create a better life” for my family and me.

Nobody prepares you for the shittiness of life.

Nobody warns you that life is hard work.

Everything seems so easy when you’re a kid. I guess this is life’s way of telling me to grow up, but how?

I don’t remember being a kid.

All those memories have been swept away and replaced with nightmares that haunt me from my past.

How do I move on without disappointing anyone?

How do I make my own life without leaving my family behind?

I don’t know.

I need to appear back in my life.

Maybe it’ll all make sense soon.

 

How To Say Goodbye To Yourself

Hi. Cellophane here.

Have you ever been so comfortable that you let your guard down? Then when you let it down so much and finally feel like you belong, you end up annoying people?

That’s always been my greatest fear.

It still is my greatest fear. I’m afraid to be my complete self. I’m afraid of letting people in because I know that one day they may leave me or get bored.

It’s a common insecurity that comes with growing up too quickly, afraid of pissing off two sides that will never find peace.

I used to think about calling it quits. I sometimes still do, but my younger siblings keep me going.

Do you have someone to live for? Are you willing to say goodbye to yourself and live only for them? Is that really living?

I don’t know anymore. I try to find a balance. It’s hard.

I hope you have your ducks in a row wherever you are reading this. I appreciate you taking the time to read these words, the thoughts in my mind I can’t tell anyone.

Thank you.

-Cellophane

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